May. 24th, 2009

catecumen: Ellen custom made by dhampir (I dream)
So, today marks 32 years since my father's death. I have been getting some work done today, so I haven't been dwelling on it, but I do think about it from time to time, especially since I just visited the grave of a friend who (like my father) committed suicide.

Even in the times when life is so damn frustrating, I always want to keep living. I often want to change myself and my circumstances. Sometimes I want to live a radically different life, be a radically different person in a different place, but the idea of wanting to be dead still feels foreign to me, and yet, I seem to be drawn toward people who are attracted to that idea.

I think I'm straightening out a bit on that whole "drawn-toward-the-suicidal" thing, though. That fascination is fading, which probably means that I have worked through the majority of the issues that I've been struggling with about my father's suicide. I'm learning to accept that no person can be responsible for the life and death of another. We cannot truly "save" each other, and no person should be another person's sole reason for living. We can share the journey for awhile, that's all.

How can we be simultaneously so alone and so connected, and why do I feel so serene and content with that idea right now? It's hard to explain, but I do.

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catecumen: Ellen custom made by dhampir (Default)
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